My Life Has Never Been Better, But I'm Scared

Posted on July 22, 2015 by Ariella Kadosh

 

"Don't let it go away,

This feeling has got to stay"

-No Doubt

At the end of 2011, I moved home to Brooklyn on the heels of a failed marriage. All I brought with me was $40, a suitcase, and an old coat. I knew I was going to be unhappy living with my mom, but what choice did I have? I had nothing left. It is now the summer of 2015 and I am somehow thriving on my own. I have an extensive network of friends and loved ones, I have a lovely apartment with my boyfriend, plenty of art supplies, two cats to care for and my career is finally taking off. I should be happy, but to be honest, I am terrified.

 

"I chose the road,

Just to try it on for size"

-Rivky Grossman

When you have PTSD along with your mental illness, even when times are good, the spectra of your past follows you around and never lets you go. My brain tells me "Ariella, you have had good times like this before, you remember what happened last time, right? Protect yourself and run now, before it can go south on you, do not grow comfortable here, once you do, it will all go away again, and you will be left shattered once more."

 

"Cover up what you show,

With the nudity of your soul"

-Magdalena

 

I'm lucky now. I no longer feel like running, but no matter how happy I am, no matter what praise is heaped upon me, I can never believe it. I am living the life, but because of my illness I'm unable to fully enjoy the moment. For example, I'm writing this from my iPad, sipping a diet coke on the patio of Union Pool with my band mates. Yes, a dream realized, I'm in the awesome prog metal band, Magdalena. I'm celebrating opening night of “Animal Impact” at Fountain Gallery. Gallery representation, another dream come true. I'm dating my guitarist. I don't doubt that my life is complete.

 

"To provide the world with your beauty is your duty"

-Dr. Noah Silver "The convolution of suicide"

 

A few days ago I confessed my fears to my best friend Susie. She looked me square in the eye and said "in therapy, we learned that you must live the moment." Susie has always been profound and full of good advice. From now on, I will try to be as present with my loved ones as possible, to live the best life I can and be my best Ariella every minute, even in times that aren't the best. Because, as a very wise band once sang "Life's a journey, not a destination."

 

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